This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
