Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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