I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
