Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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