well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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