I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
