Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
ur plase or mine? lol
well if you don't learn how to spell, you may be at your place and I'll be at mine.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Randomize
