the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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