I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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