What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Randomize
