3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
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