i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Randomize
