I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Randomize
