On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
