I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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