how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
