where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
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