Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
I need to stop coming to work sober
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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