He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
