is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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