That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Randomize
