i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
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