Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Randomize
