i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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