It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
the gays at disneyland are vicious
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
Randomize
