my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
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