i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
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