Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Randomize
