im drinking this country out of the recession.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Randomize
