My hand turned me down
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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