I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
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