you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
Randomize