Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Randomize
