My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
