You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
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