Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize
