Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
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