hahah your definitly as dumb as I think I thought you are. boom roasted.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
