i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
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