her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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