Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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