then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Randomize
