There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
