Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
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