i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
