so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
