all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
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I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
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Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
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