Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
