I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
