the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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