i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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