I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
