Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Randomize
