Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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