yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
