At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
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