3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Randomize
