Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
